Navigating Adoption and Rediscovering Family: Lia's Journey

Navigating Adoption and Rediscovering Family: Lia's Journey

I’m Lia and this is my adoptee origin story from foster care to reuniting with my siblings. 

What I shared

(01:02) What I was told about my bio parents

(02:18) What actually happened 

(04:59) My adoptive parents 

(05:34) My birth father’s side of the story

(06:36) My access to adoption information

(10:04) Accessing my biological family name

(12:33) Meeting my siblings 

(19:49) Aspirations for biological relationships

(21:47) What I tell people about my background

(25:21) What’s medical foster care?

(26:35) Death of my foster mom (Ms. Loretta) & my bio mom

Links

Lia’s LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/liaepps 

Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok

Credits

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com 

Transcript

Dr. Noelle:
Hey everybody, welcome back to Adopt These Crossing Lines. It is my honor and pleasure to welcome Lia Epps to the mic. We have had a lot of requests for our origin stories, so we're gonna go ahead and have Lia do hers this evening. And we're just gonna kind of let you free flow for a little while there Lia, and then Tosha and I will have some questions for you.

Lia:
Thank you so much. That sounds good. So I guess I can kind of start with, when it comes to my story, what I was told growing up and then kind of get into what I learned because they often are different things as we all know. So pretty much what I was told is that my bio mom, she died, she died from AIDS. and I wasn't told anything about my father and that she was Muslim. And one of her requests before she died was for her kids not to eat pork. Because I guess that was important to her as it related to her religion. To this day, I don't eat pork because I just feel like that's one of the few things I have that connects me to my mom. Um, and excuse me, um, that's honestly, that's pretty much it. As far as what I was told, um, that my mom wanted me to like have a better life. And she like gave me up for that. And so I thought that like my mom didn't want me for like the longest time. Um, when that's not actually what happened and. I think that's pretty much all the information that I was told I really didn't have a lot to go off of. And so because I didn't have a lot to go off of, I mean, we've talked about this before, I just kind of created my own narrative. I thought that my dad just didn't know where I was and that once he found out who I was, that he was gonna come find me and save me from my plight. And that's not what happened. But. Once I actually started to search for, like got into reunion and started to search for my family, the story that I got told ended up being a different story. So I found out that my mom, it wasn't that she gave us up for a better life. The state took all of her kids. We all were removed from her care, all five of us. And my two older sisters went to live with our grandmother and mind you, my... my bio mom is also adopted. So they went to go live with our grandmother and then myself, my sister and my brother, we all went into the system. So I spent some time in the system and foster care and then eventually got adopted into my family. And you know, here I am today. But when I was doing my search, I found out like not only was it that she like did it, just like give me up, like I don't want my kids. But my mom suffered from like bipolar disorder. She was schizophrenic. And I think she had borderline personality disorder as well. She like left home when she was like 15 because she just didn't, I guess my grandparents from what my older sister told me, they were really strict and she just didn't want to be in that life. So she left New York, eventually came to Florida and. you know, was having kids and things like that. But before she lost her kids, she was just trying to survive. She was just trying to like take care of herself. And so my mom was a, she was a sex worker and that's actually how she like met my dad. I don't know why my throat is doing this tonight, but.

Tosha:
for questions.

Lia:
But yeah, that's how she met my dad and then that's kind of how I came into the picture. And so for me, like once I kind of learned this information, I was like, I don't know how I feel about that. There's a lot of like complicated feelings there. And when I found out that my dad had raised my two siblings on like on my father's side and he didn't like do anything to get me or figure out what was going on, it was honestly like heartbreaking because I just felt like I was abandoned like yet again. And that, you know, I wasn't worth. the effort and then it's like, why do my two older sisters get to be with grandparents and why was I put into the system? Why were the rest of us put into the system? And I know, I mean, there's obviously, there's multiple layers to it, right? Like there's a lot that goes into it before you choose to take in somebody else's child and so I understand that. But my adoptive parents, the reason that they ended up adopting to begin with is that they... or having trouble having a kid. And so I think somebody like from their church, like told them about adoption is the story that I was told, like about some like type of like, like agency or something like that. And then they decided to look into it. And yeah, ended up, ended up adopting me. So that's a little bit about, about my story. I'm sure we'll get more into it later, but I'll pause there for now.

Tosha:
Tosha, so I do have a question about what the part about what you were told. Were you told anything about your dad in the original story? Because a lot of times I hear a lot where you hear with the birth mother's side, but you don't often always hear of the birth father's side for a number of reasons. So I was just curious if you were given any of that information prior to you doing your own search.

Lia:
Yeah, I was given nothing. And I think part of it is because we all had different dads. So when I actually was doing my search and I was going through the documentation that I had, there were two people listed as potential fathers. So my mom was actually unsure who my father was. And so I think that was part of it. When I started to do the search, my adoptive mom did tell me that, that she didn't know who the dad was. So. I think that had something to do with it, but my parents had the information in a folder, just sitting there.

Dr. Noelle:
What was your access like to your critical information in your adoptive home? Did you have access to any of your adoption information, any of your critical records, anything like that?

Lia:
Yeah, so I didn't have any access to it. So the way I started my search was in the state of Florida, you can write the, I forget what it's called, but it's like some type of registry. You can write them and they will give you all the non-identifying information. So it told me, my mom was from a Northeast state. It told me I had X amount of siblings, this many boys, this many girls, but that was like pretty much it. But I will say it was really meaningful to me to get that information because I didn't know that I even had siblings, let alone that many. So I remember getting that, they mail it to you. So I remember getting it in the mail and opening it and reading it and being like, oh my God, I have siblings, you know, because I wasn't really close with my sister that I grew up with, which is my adoptive parents' biological child. And a lot of that I think had to do with. just I felt like she was favored and she was treated differently and I got the short end of the stick. So even though it wasn't her fault, she just was the beneficiary of their actions. It just made it really difficult to form a relationship with her. But in terms of the access to the critical information, after I did that, I asked my mom if she had anything, do you have any type of records or whatever? And she was like, yeah, come over. At this point, I was living in the same city as my parents, but I was living on my own. And so she was like, yeah, come over to the house and like, I'll give you everything. And I remember I sat at like the dining room table and I just sat and went through all the information and just started to read it. And I started to learn more about myself and about my mom and all this different information. And I just remember being really happy to finally know some type of information and that's ultimately like what prompted my search. I started to go on Facebook and then kind of went from there.

Tosha:
So were they just waiting for you to ask to have access to it? I was sorry, I was pausing on how to formulate this question. Like, so you guys had this this whole entire time. How old were

Lia:
That's

Tosha:
you when you

Lia:
how

Tosha:
got that

Lia:
I

Tosha:
information?

Lia:
feel. I was, I think, maybe 21.

Tosha:
Oh wow, they were sitting on that for a while. You could have, okay.

Lia:
Yeah. Yeah. I literally still have the original folder that my mom gave it to me and like, it was just ready. I think that's weird. I think

Tosha:
It kind

Lia:
that's

Tosha:
of,

Lia:
weird.

Tosha:
it kind of is. It's like, wow, y'all were just sitting on this, this whole time.

Lia:
Yeah.

Tosha:
So

Lia:
And.

Tosha:
with the state of Florida, so you can petition them to get that information. Now, would they also help you with the search or is like, just here's your information and now you're off on your own to take it further.

Lia:
So when they give you the information, there's like a registry. So if somebody like, if my siblings were on the registry, they would tell me, but it's like, who really knows this information? So, I mean, I had to search long and hard to find it. I don't even know how I found it, but yeah, it doesn't really help you because if they're not registered, you're at another dead end basically.

Dr. Noelle:
Did you have access to your biological family name?

Lia:
No, I didn't have, well, I think at some point in middle school, my some, I don't remember. Yeah, at some point in middle school, the conversation came around to where we talked about my name that I was given. And I just remember my mom being like, yeah, we changed your name because the name that you were given was really ghetto. And you know, X, Y, and Z. Mind you, I am the same race, black adoptee. But I mean, that just shows how anti-blackness and white supremacy works. But yeah, she was like, yeah, that's why we changed your name. And so that's when I found out what my name was, I think, in middle school. I don't know if I knew the last name. I think I just knew like my first name and that's it.

Dr. Noelle:
And what is your relationship to that name now?

Lia:
I really like the name. I really do. So I mentioned before that my mom was Muslim. And so the name that she gave me was Arabic. And so I'll just go ahead and say the name. So the first name is Waheeda, which means unique. And the middle name is Sophia and it means pure. And I just really feel like that was really powerful. Like I believe in namesake. And I mean, I've talked about my story in previous episodes. And I went through a lot of trauma. I went through sexual assault within my adoptive family. And so when I learned what the name meant and I thought about that, I felt like that was my mom's way of protecting me. You know what I'm saying? So.

Tosha:
Have you ever thought about reclaiming your name?

Lia:
I've actually thought about reclaiming my name. What gets me every time is the paperwork and just the logistics of it. And oh, I want to go by this name now and all of that sort of stuff. But I have thought about it. When I wanted to have kids before I wanted to be an auntie, I thought about incorporating it into my kids' names. but that ship has sailed. But yeah, I have thought about it and I've been thinking about it a lot more recently because my relationship with my adoptive parents has been changing quite a bit. I mean, I don't speak to my mother. And as of this week, I'm very close to going no contact with my adoptive dad. So, yeah.

Dr. Noelle:
So what was it like to finally meet a biological relative for you?

Lia:
Aw man, I just remember feeling seen. It was like this sense of belonging that I had never felt before in my life. And I just felt really loved. Like, I remember my brother, I met my brother and my sister on my dad's side first. And he threw like this cookout and he invited like his friends and like told everybody like, this is my sister. And just like had this great big sense of pride. for me and he was teaching me, he likes to grill. I don't know how to grill, but he was teaching me how to grill and just different stuff as if he had known me for my entire life. So it was a really refreshing feeling to have.

Tosha:
Now from that and moving forward, were you able to maintain those relationships?

Lia:
So my brother and my sister on my dad's side, it was pretty challenging. So I mentioned before that my mom was a sex worker. And so my biological dad was much older than my mom. I think he was born in like 1943 or something like that. So he was older. And so my siblings on my dad's side are literally old enough to be my parents. Like my nieces are like, closer in age to me. We're a couple of years apart or a couple of months apart. But my brother and my sister are literally old enough to be my parents. And so for me, it was really weird, just that dynamic to begin with. But my sister in particular, she kind of treated me more like her daughter than her sister. And I didn't really like that. And so... I mean, y'all know I'm not, I'm very conflict avoidant, so I didn't ever really have a conversation about it. I just kind of like backed away. Cause I just didn't like it. I know that I'm young and I probably remind you of your daughter, cause we're close in age. I mean, we're literally months apart, but I'm not your daughter. So I just didn't really like that. And I think there's a way to be nurturing without making someone feel like, you know what I'm saying? So. Um, so yeah, I don't really talk to my sister. And then as far as my brother, my brother and I actually got along really well, but, um, my brother, he, he had his own struggles and he was like in and out of jail and, um, you know, substance abuse and things like that. And so it was just really hard for me personally to maintain a relationship, not because of those things, but because those things made him less available. and I just really need consistency in my relationships. That's really important to me. So because of that, it was just really hard to maintain a relationship with him. And I've tried to reach out to him recently and I just can't even get ahold of him. So that relationship makes me really sad because he's a cool guy.

Dr. Noelle:
What are the relationships like with your maternal siblings?

Lia:
So my relationships with my maternal siblings were a lot better. So I went to go meet them when I was in school. And it was Thanksgiving, I believe. And I took a flight from Texas to North Carolina and met my older sister and two of my older sisters. And so I remember my sister, by this point, we had already talked and stuff like that. And so. I remember when she picked me up from the airport and I got in her car and I was just talking to her like I was talking to an old friend. So that was again, just like another really like refreshing moment for me because I didn't have those moments within my adoptive family. I just didn't have them. So yeah, so those relationships were definitely like a lot better. We kept in touch. I went to go live with my bio sister for a little bit actually. And I actually really enjoyed that because you know, she has kids, so I got to get to know my nieces and just enjoy an older sister because in my adoptive family, I am the older sister. And so, and I also, like I said, I wasn't really close to my sister. And so to be able to have those relationships, like it was really meaningful for me. My other sister, she, it's funny because she grew up like 20 minutes from where I grew up here in Orlando. but we never crossed paths or anything like that. And it's just really crazy to think that like your sibling could be literally like right there and you would never know thanks to adoption. But my, yeah, our relationship actually started off pretty rocky because she was in and out of foster care and then her dad died and so she went back into the system and we just grew up, we grew up differently, right? My parents were educators and things like that. And so. she was like intimidated by me. And that was hard because I don't like. I don't really look down on people. So I hated that she felt like that. But I understand why she would feel like that. If you've grown up a different way, and then you meet me, and I've grown up a different way, I understand. But it eventually got better, and we were cool, and things like that. And then I have one more sister that I actually haven't met by choice, because I just feel like she's messy. And yeah, I feel like she's messy and I'm gonna tell this story. So she was closer to my sister than one who thought that, who's like intimidated by me. And she has a daughter. And so she used to, they used to live in the same state. So they were, they had more access to each other. And so my sister that I don't speak to, she would come and get my niece and spend time with her and they started to form a relationship and things like that. Well, I don't know, something happened to where my sister didn't really want her around her daughter anymore. And my sister was, she was going through a lot. And so instead of like talking to my sister about it, she like called DCF and like filed a report against my sister. And that's a really, honestly a big reason why I don't really talk to her because I just think that's sick, especially given that the system. separated us all and like, I know that you and your and my other sister grew up with grandparents, you grew up around family. So that wasn't your lived experience. You were never in the system. But that was our lived experience. And so for you to like do that, when it could have, she could have lost her daughter. You know, I could have lost my niece in that, you know, fortunately, that's not what happened. It was, you know, an, it was, there was nothing there. It was just done at a spite. So yeah, so I don't really talk to her. And then my brother, he got adopted, but I don't know where he is. But the sister that I don't talk to does know, but she won't tell us anything. So, messy.

Dr. Noelle:
Do you have particular hopes or aspirations around these relationships, Lia?

Lia:
do I want to be intentional in those relationships, and I want to get to know them more and also connect with other people within my bio family, because it's not just my siblings, right? There's other people out there. So that is my hope to be able to connect with them further, but I'm also not going to force it, because I think the thing about adoption is like, you get separated from your siblings or your family, you go through reunion. But just because they're your family doesn't mean that you have a relationship with them or that the relationship is going to be Perfect or you know that you're going to have a good relationship like I Feel like it's like a friendship or any other relationship you're building it from the ground up so I have to get to know you you have to get to know me and You know kind of see if we vibe, you know, and I think there's this like maybe underlying expectation or thought that you're going to meet them and then it's just gonna be like, you just jail automatically. And like, that's not always the case. I don't know who that's the case for, to be honest.

Tosha:
I think sometimes, you know, as I was always told, you speak a little cautious because you never know. Because I have my therapist and she says, you know, I have my own siblings and we don't even always get along. So she was definitely, that's a good question you asked in well about expectations and things like that. Because sometimes you want to be like, oh, now we're best friends sisters, but you don't know each other and you got to build that. And it takes a lot of work. So, you know.

Lia:
Uh oh. Okay you're back.

Tosha:
It's the weather.

Lia:
Okay.

Tosha:
I just got alerts and everything.

Lia:
Okay.

Tosha:
So hopefully you can edit that. But I was trying to wrap that part up and say, you know, with the building of relationships, I was curious, since this is our origin story episode, how do you tell your story? Because I'm hearing some of the things that we talk about being adopting, the duality, what you were told versus what you found out, the different sets of siblings, and what do you tell this person versus that person. So when someone simply asks, or simply asks you about your background, what version do you give them? or just depend on the person.

Lia:
Right, that part. I think it really depends on the person and the context of the relationship because sometimes I don't have the energy for you to ask me a million questions because that's typically what happens, right? You start telling the story and then people are curious naturally. And so I think a lot of it depends on the relationship. But generally speaking, I think it's a mixture of what my adoptive parents told me and what I learned and also like how I view it and how I interpret it. And I think that's how I kind of tell this story. But I guess like some of the things that I think are important to me, my foster mom is really important to me, right? I spent time in foster care before I was adopted and the last foster mom that I stayed with, she lived here in Orlando where I live and I would go visit her. She unfortunately passed away earlier in the pandemic. And so that was really sad and that's like still hard for me to deal with because I used to just call her up I used to just go over to her house and just sit on her couch and just talk and she would just You know, she would just provide I feel like the love that I didn't some of the love that I didn't get from my adoptive parents Unfortunately, so I I always make mention of miss Loretta. She was an incredible incredible woman fostered over like 300 plus kids like was really big into like fostering medical foster kids, like the ones that a lot of people don't wanna take, like I was a medical foster kid. So I just think that she had a really like beautiful heart and was just like a really kind person. So that's definitely like a big part of my story. And then I think like for me too, like I think it's important for me to. tell the full story of who my mom was. I think people often, you know, you hear sex worker or you hear like that she was bipolar or you hear that she had all these drugs in her system. Like my mom was drinking and, you know, using all these substances for like six months of her pregnancy with me. And, you know, by science, there's really no reason I should be here, but I am. And I just think that my mom did the best that she could with what she was given, with the circumstances that she had. And she too was adopted. And we all agree, we all know that adoption is trauma. So she had her own trauma that she had to deal with. And I just feel like she did what the best that she could with the knowledge that she had at the time and the resources that she had at the time. So I think it's really important for me to like, to include those pieces and also give context. when necessary because I think people can really easily write somebody off. I was having a conversation with somebody the other day about people deserving to be parents and things like that. And I bet most people if they heard my mom's story, they would say that she didn't deserve to be a parent. But I don't think that she didn't deserve to be a parent. I just think that she... She had a lot going on and she just didn't get the resources and the support that she needed. It went to foster care, it went to foster families and it went to my adoptive parents.

Dr. Noelle:
Lia, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I have never heard the term medical foster care. Can you tell us more about that? What is that?

Lia:
Yeah, so it's typically like, I mean, it really ranges on like the the issues that they have. I don't know exactly what the criteria is, but I know for me, like, I'm going to use this word because that's the phrase for it. I was basically a crack baby. So I had a lot of tremors and I would scream and I was like behind and like, you know, motor skills and just all these like all these different things because of all. the drugs that my mom, you know, that she used in her alcohol use. So yeah, it's kind of like a, I guess, almost like a separate program. And also you typically get more for fostering those kids. I think in part because it probably takes more resources and money to care for them. Probably also a lot more, you know, emotional labor and things like that. I don't know if it exists in every state or things like that, but that's my understanding and my context of it from my personal experience.

Dr. Noelle:
And how old were you? Where were you? Who told you when she died?

Lia:
Woo, y'all trying to make me cry tonight. So she died in, I guess it's been over a year at this point. The way that I actually found out was I had been texting and calling her, and she wasn't answering my calls. And I went on Facebook. And I was talking to my best friend, and I was like, I haven't heard from her. I haven't. That's really weird. She always answers my calls. She always answers my texts. And I said, I'm going to go drive over there. She said, before I drive over there, I'm going to go look on Facebook. And I went to go look on Facebook, and people were posting on her wall about Rest In Peace and how they were coming in town for the funeral. And by this point, I had missed the funeral. And I'm not a big funeral person. I don't think anybody is, but I really don't like to attend them. They're very traumatizing for me. So. I just don't typically go to them, but I would have gone to hers. So the fact that I didn't get to go to it was really hard. And I also hadn't seen her because she she died in the pandemic and she was older. She was in her 80s. So in an effort to keep her safe, I didn't go to visit her. So it was it was really tough the way that I found out. But also like who is going to tell me, you know what I'm saying? Because I was. I was just her foster kid. So how is anybody gonna be able to let me know?

Dr. Noelle:
You just told me about Mr. Loretta. I was asking about your bio mom.

Lia:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Dr. Noelle:
No, no, no, no, don't be sorry. It's amazing to me. I think that's happened before in conversations that we've had where when we talk about your mom, you automatically revert to Ms. Loretta.

Lia:
Um, where? Okay, she died. Okay, so my mom died. when I was like... Ha. I don't remember exactly when she died. She ended up dying from AIDS. And she died in a hospital. And as for when I found out, I always knew. I always knew that she died. That was always part of the story that my adoptive parents told me.

Tosha:
Wait, I'm sorry. So how old were you when she passed away?

Lia:
My mom?

Tosha:
Yes, Biomom.

Lia:
Yeah, I...

Tosha:
I'm just curious, because you said it's been part of the story. So you had been fairly young, right? Okay.

Lia:
Yeah, like, I mean, like, I think maybe like. Maybe like four or five?

Tosha:
Well that's really young,

Lia:
Yeah.

Tosha:
okay. Yeah, that makes sense, being a part of your story then. Got some stories here But I also that's interesting that no well pointed that out and I think talking with the doctees and having Different versions of parents and things like that.

Lia:
Yeah.

Tosha:
It can get a little confused like hey who exactly are you talking about and making sure we put respect where respect is due and Disrespect where disrespect is also do if that is the case But that's interesting fact because people ask me sometimes like so who wait, which one are you actually asking about? So it is interesting that you know about that

Dr. Noelle:
Lia, we're close to time. I just wonder if there is anything that you would like to tell little Lia.

Lia:
Y'all know it'll try to make me cry for real. Um, I think that I would tell Lidl Lia that it gets better. It gets better. You'll find your people, and you'll find the love that you always wanted. Not you doing this.

Dr. Noelle:
Beautifully done. Beautifully done.

Tosha:
Good job.

Dr. Noelle:
Tosha, your mic has lost its mind.

Tosha:
What did it do?

Dr. Noelle:
I think your Sher Mike has disconnected and it's going through your computer and there's a buzzing noise. There's a buzzing noise that I do not understand.

Tosha:
But I'm, and see, this is connected to, okay, I have several monitors and one monitor went out and it's attached to the, whatchamacallit, and the fact that this is lit though, this is what it's using, it's not using my...

Dr. Noelle:
Do you hear it, Leo, or am I losing my mind?

Tosha:
It's got it set to this. I mean I hear my laptop buzzing but... Oh

Dr. Noelle:
We lost

Tosha:
lord,

Dr. Noelle:
Lia.

Tosha:
oh good

Dr. Noelle:
We

Tosha:
gosh.

Dr. Noelle:
lost Lia. We've driven...

Tosha:
You drove

Dr. Noelle:
We've...

Tosha:
her away!

Dr. Noelle:
We've driven her away.

Tosha:
I don't know what is happening over here. Things just went dark. I know Leo comes, she'll, sometimes she goes in and out, but I wonder if it's, is it a low, like a low hum?

Dr. Noelle:
Yeah, there's a hum, but the roundness of your mic, the sound of your mic is not coming through.

Lia:
in.

Tosha:
I'm gonna plug directly into my laptop, I think.

Lia:
I need to make sure that it

Tosha:
And

Lia:
finished

Tosha:
not this

Lia:
recording

Tosha:
thing,

Lia:
because it kicked

Tosha:
since

Lia:
me

Tosha:
it's

Lia:
all

Tosha:
not

Lia:
out.

Tosha:
doing what it's supposed to do anyways.